True Love
The fourth season of True Blood premieres in one whole month and I can tell that it’s going to be the worst month of my life. Three new teaser posters for the campy vampire drama were released today and I’ve already wasted three or four hours drooling on my keyboard, my thoughts racing — I have so many questions! Why are Sookie (Anna Paquin) , Bill (Stephen Moyer), Jessica (Deborah Ann Woll), and Lafayette (Nelsan Ellis) the only ones looking into the camera while the other characters are ensnared in intrigue? Could Bill please take a season-long business trip to Transylvania or be decapitated or something? Is babyvamp Jessica going to go Sappho? How come Sookie can’t tell that of her three suitors, Eric (Alexander Skarsgaard), is more attractive by almost every measure than any other vampire on television in the history of vampires on television? (I have to give Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer major points for sense of humor. Also Eric loses points for not realizing that the object of his affections, Sookie, is irredeemably annoying.) When is Buffy (Sarah Michelle Gellar) going to show up for a cameo staking? Most importantly, why do all the female protagonists of my favorite vampire shows have such stupid names? If you’re just as worked up as I am, feel free to print out these pictures and spend the next four weeks nuzzling up against them when you go to bed at night. Also, I’ve learned that there’s a new Sookie Stackhouse novel out, so that might tide you over for an evening or two. [INeedMyFix]
Cheryl Cole axed from the X Factor
Cheryl Cole has been fired from the X Factor and will be replaced by Nicole Scherzinger from The Pussycat Dolls. It’s not completely clear why the British TV presenter was sacked, but some rumors say that producers didn’t like the chemistry between the judges. Other accounts blame an unfortunate animal kingdom-inspired hair style Cole has been sporting all around town. [Daily Stab]
Breaking News! Lindsay Lohan is at home
Even though Lindsay Lohan had originally been sentenced to four months in jail, her sentence was changed to thirty-five days under house arrest, starting today, due to “jail overcrowding”, the non-violent nature of her offense, and aggressive lobbying on the part of the struggling tabloid industry. As part of her penalty, the professional ne’er-do-well will serve community service and flash paparazzi from her window while shouting obscenities three times a week for the duration of her sentence. [GirlsTalkinSmack]
Pippa Middleton is going to class things up with a reality show for Oprah
Now that Oprah‘s wrapped her long-running daytime talk show, she’s decided to focus on the important things in life, like coercing the Royal Bride’s sister, Pippa Middleton, to star in a reality show for the mogul’s OWN television network, according to the National Enquirer (which is far from the least reliable of the celebrity rags). According to GossipCop, a spokesman for OWN denied the rumors, so we’ll have to see how this is resolved, but I’m guessing that it’s a never-going-to-happen situation. There’s no doubt that America is cracking under its massive Royal Wedding hangover (American plastic surgeons report that Pippa’s butt is the most in-demand butt of our time) and a Pippa show would be a ratings bonanza, but it’s basically impossible to come out of a reality show without suffering a heaping dose of humiliation. Her affiliation with the Royal Family demands that the Middleton sister maintain certain standards of decorum, and opening up her life to the scrutiny of millions, if not billions, of people probably wouldn’t be the world’s classiest move. That’s just a hunch. [HaveUHeard]
