Take a mere glance at yesterday’s announcement that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are merging their two empires and two corporate name checks jump out at you:
“Yo, I’mma let you finish committing to me for 72-days-to-life, but the headline is that the 15-karat ring is by Lorraine Schwartz and the proposal took place at AT&T Park.” In fact, both product placement opportunities are prominently displayed in Kim’s Instagram photo posted minutes after she accepted Yeezy’s proposal. AT&T Park is so prominent in every headline and photo that it seems impossible that Kim and Kanye did not benefit monetarily from hosting the proposal there. The story goes that Kanye rented out the park for Kim’s birthday celebration and surprised her with a proposal. Circumstances make it seem more likely that at the very least the surely expensive party was provided gratis in exchange for the publicity the venue would surely receive by having such a massive media event unfold on their premises.
That got us thinking, what other branding opportunities does the Kimye wedding serve up?
Pharmaceutical Sponsors
Well, we know the birth control ship has sailed, but there are a myriad of physical and mental ailments guests of the Kim Kardashian/Kanye West wedding could suffer from. There’s the anxiety of preparing for a such a high profile event, and the subsequent depression and feelings of inadequacy after realizing that the amount spent on the wedding is more than you or your progeny will earn in your lifetimes. The drugs could be milled with gold dust for a gorgeous little pill emblazoned with a K.
Luxury Prenuptial Counseling
Surely the rich and famous have their own set of problems they bring to a marriage and unique challenges to maintaining a healthy relationship. Just as an officiant for normals might help a couple work out if and when they plan to have children, where they see themselves living, how they see themselves dividing up household tasks, the luxury prenuptial counselor could help Kimye discuss how to keep her Momager Kris out of their business, how to distance themselves from Scott Disick should he go off the rails on another Vegas bender, and how to branch out their personal brand from that of the Kardashian behemoth.
The Kardashian Wedding Beautifying Bundle
Can you imagine? The mind boggles when you try to think of a beautifying or personal grooming service that won’t be reported on. We’ll know all the deets on hair removal and hair extensions, on the buffing of skin, teeth and nails, every ingredient that passes the (Nars Orgasm) blushing bride’s lips in the months leading up to the affair. (Oops, poor choice of words.) When you consider the fact that obviously Kim is going to be competing against herself to outshine her own previous bridal splendor, you can only imagine the effort that will go into her look, even if it’s dubbed “effortless” and they get married on a beach somewhere. (JK, the tabloid helicopters would wreak havoc on the sand.) By booking, nay — creating! — one salon and spa conglomerate to handle all the hair, makeup and body preparations of the whole Klan they would have North’s 10th million in the bank.
Discreet Litigation
As long as your idea of discreet includes a cover of People magazine, which Kim Kardashian’s has always seemed to, this could really be a boon to any couple looking to make a lifelong commitment without actually committing any money to the endeavor. For most of us, marriage is the joining of two sets of finances and there are pluses and minuses to that — her shoe addiction, his golf habit, who can remember to pay the bills. But with a team of private lawyers you don’t have to discuss these icky issues at all. Just have your lawyer work out how much conspicuous consumption is too much. Haha! Totes kidding! No amount of conspicuous consumption is enough! (Seriously, have you seen baby North’s couture collection?)
Social Media Exclusives
Kim has long been a fan of Instagram and the photo sharing network was the first place the world saw baby North. But this would be such an easy area to exploit. Who will have the Facebook exclusive? Who will have the first Vine of the first dance? These agreements could also be worked into the litigator’s services since they will have at least a year’s worth of work post-wedding suing everyone who breeches the embargo set on social media sharing. But let’s think outside the box — why work within the confines of established social media. Is there a wedding-specific combination Pinterest-Instagram-eBay yet? There probably is, but not with Kim Kardashian’s face plastered on it!
And for realz, have they copyrighted Kimye yet?
